No, this movie didn’t come out in theatres. You didn’t miss it at your local multiplex, switch channels just before a TV Spot hit, or were conveniently out of the country. This is tried and true direct-to-dvd fare, and unless you’ve been living under a rock, you should know what your getting into should you rent it. The sad part is that the only thing differentiating this from a lot of mainstream garbage is its lack of star power and even worse screenwriting. Not that the Wild Things franchise is much of a jumping off point. The only reason the first film has a slight dent in cinema history (not a place, a dent) is because it included a rather steamy pool located makeout scene between Neve Campbell and Denise Richards. Anyone who tells you they know Wild Things, is also a teenage boy with access to the internet, and has probably only watched the one scene.

So after two more movies somehow happened, and got theatrical releases to boot, we have the first in what I can only assume will be a series of bastard children. How bad is it? I’ve seen worse. But that says more about my wide range of film experiences than is in any way a compliment to this train-wreck. Over enthusiastic writing, and painfully bad acting are the biggest disappointments here. The dialogue is on par with the porn industry, and despite the film being “Unrated”, I’m sure there never was a “Rated” cut at all. That doesn’t mean the film works as softcore porn though, since most of the “money” shots are just topless chicks walking around, which differentiates it from the entire rest of the movie’s universe that’s populated by attractive women in bikinis. Also, when all of the characters are both written as complete douches, and acted as complete douches, we really don’t care about what’s happening enough to want to keep watching. The struggle between me and my eject button was the most compelling conflict that occurred with this one, but I’m glad I got to the end of it, because that’s when it gets painfully stupid.

You see, everything that happens in the movie is… layered. That is, after the climax of the film occurs a grand total of 40 minutes in, we spend the entire rest of the runtime discovering how there’s a giant web of double-dealing going on. You shouldn’t mistake this with depth the way the writing team clearly did, because it’s just a convoluted mess that makes no sense. The second half is like an entirely different movie, and it gets even worse. They filmed flashbacks, whole sequences meant to set up the first half of the film… you know, the half that doesn’t pay off to anything. Well you know where those flashbacks are? In the credits. Full stop. The explanation

for the entire plot is in between “Directed by”, “Produced by”, and “Written by.” They’re not even well done flashbacks, and add absolutely nothing to a horrifyingly stupid mess, except give us more face time with the few characters who could’ve saved the film and instead get killed really, really early. In fact, I’ll go ahead and spoil it for you. ALMOST EVERYONE DIES. Why did I just go ahead and type that? Because YOU WON’T CARE. That’s how bad of a movie this is. They can kill off almost the entire cast, and still get no emotional involvement out of the audience.

The Extras:

Haha. Extras. That’s a good one. There are a handful of trailers for other films, and scene selection. There aren’t even production stills. It may be a DVD, but if it’s direct-to-dvd, you’d think they’d put something on here that’d make it worth actually buying. The film looks pretty good though, surprisingly enough. The cinematography is the highest production value on the movie, and as long as all the characters didn’t open their mouths, this could be a great series of commercials for some bad bodyspray. I mean, there’s enough attractive people in little or no clothing walking around to fill several audition halls, and they could’ve cut their losses that way I guess. I just shake my head and wonder how these kinds of movies even get made.