Have you ever been slapped in the face? It’s an odd sensation. Sure, it stings for a little bit, but it’s not the pain you remember, as much, but rather the indignation. I bring up such an image because that is almost exactly the same sentiment with which I left my first viewing of Sucker Punch. Was the movie painful? Yes. Yes it was. However, even worse was the knowledge that I had spent $11 of my own, hard-earned cash (and more importantly, two hours of my life) on this piece of cinematic excretion. I will remind my audience that this is just one young man’s opinion, but that’s what a review is. If you happened to (for some strange reason, possibly a brain tumor or other such tragic disease) enjoy this movie in theaters, then this Bluray Extended Cut is just for you. It makes the only good parts of the movie better, and does nothing to reduce the sheer smelliness of the rest.

I really do feel bad for Zack Snyder, if only because he’s fallen so far. Remember a few years ago, when 300 came out, and everybody was raving about the new ideas that this young, artistic director was bringing to big-budget films? Well, then Watchmen happened, and everybody realized that he didn’t have new ideas, in the plural sense, but rather just one, and that one was just speeding up and slowing down video footage during fight scenes, like a small child messing with the pitch bend function on a cheap Casio keyboard. The first time, it was done and received well, because nobody had ever decided to try that gimmick before. The second time, well, it didn’t go over as well. I think the world had hoped that, with Sucker Punch, Snyder would break the pattern, that we’d all be pleasantly surprised. We were idealistic, naïve, and ultimately, very, very wrong.

I try to remain from flat out judging a movie, but Sucker Punch is a BAD movie. It just is. It is a poorly written, poorly directed, poorly acted film that is a sheer waste of your time and money. The story, which seems to concern itself with a young girl accused of killing her sister (I think—it’s a bit hazy) who is dropped off by her actually murderous father at a mental institution, is at the very best obscure and difficult to follow. Because, however, disturbed young women aren’t exactly sexually attractive, Snyder (who also co-wrote the script, by the way) decided that it would make a much better movie to have the story enter a dream world, where instead of an insane asylum, the girls all work for a strip club/whorehouse. That way, not only could it be a terrible premise, but it could also be incredibly misogynistic!

The tangled, poorly crafted web doesn’t end there, but rather descends

into sheer ridiculousness. Every time the main character, delightfully named Babydoll, dances for the clients of the club of questionable morality, she enters a dream-like trance where she (and eventually, the four other remarkably attractive crazy girls) has to do some sort of ridiculous fight scene. See, the story didn’t have enough fighting inherently present, so Snyder would have been quickly out of a job if he hadn’t figured out a way to shoehorn cool action scenes into the already broken narrative.

Needless to say, I don’t like the film. Now, I suppose that there are some of you out there that actually do enjoy this massive-budget bonanza, and if that’s the case, then you might actually enjoy this Bluray version. The extra 17 minutes of footage in the extended cut are not…well, they’re not better, but they’re more of the same, so if you liked the original cut, you’ll probably like the extended one more. Again, if you liked the original, the disc also contains some very cool elements—there’s a full description and explanation of each of the “fantasy worlds” that take are depicted in the film, with full commentary from Snyder and other members of the cast and crew. It contains storyboards, interactive galleries, original animated shorts from the Sucker Punch universe, a short “behind the soundtrack” piece (even though the soundtrack was lackluster to begin with) and over two hours of special features. I personally think it’s a crime to waste even more of your time on anything to do with such a film, but it’s nice that they’ve given the public so very many ways to waste that time.

I can’t, in good conscience, recommend the movie. It’s just not good. But if you liked it regardless of my recommendation, well, then this version is probably the best value for your money. It’s still a waste, but it’s a more effective waste.