Part of a film critic’s gig is watching films you would not necessarily want to watch much less write about. Heck, if that’s the worst part of this gig then I don’t have much to complain about, right? I mean, even if it’s the worst film in the world I at least get to sit there chewing on popcorn (with better films I chew on my nails) jotting down in some ragged notebook everything I hate about the film, so it can’t be all that bad, right? You see, that’s where you’re wrong. The brain is a sponge soaking up energies and wavelengths. These items are then dispersed to the soul in which the body relies on for sustenance. That creepy feeling you get when you’re watching late night infomercials? That’s your soul sucking in the demonic energy of a new Kablammo commercial. That nausea you feel when a phone number pops up on the screen asking you to shell out your hard earned dollars? That’s your soul trying to purge.

Now you are starting to understand the dilemma of a film critic. When we see garbage thrown at the silver screen for ninety minutes, it’s not just an assault on our senses; it’s an assault on our beings, a vicious, brutal one-sided battle of attrition where the last brain cell standing survives. With that said, I liked Skyline.

I’m kidding, of course. Where should I start? Well, Skyline is a sci-fi adventure (I use that term loosely because an African safari that ends with a mauling from a lion would be considered an adventure and it’s one I would have rather experienced) about a group of people stuck in a fancy high-rise apartment complex in LA. After having a bunch of drinks and partying it up like its 1999 (or is it 2012?) our motley crew of entertainment industry folk wake up to a blinding light that has nothing to do with a hangover and everything to do with jellyfish looking alien vessels sucking people up like breadcrumbs off a carpet. It’s a high concept “what would you do if you looked outside and your entire species is being intergalactically vacuumed” type of film and the concept is not bad on paper. Our heroes, led by Eric Balfour (24, Six Feet Under) and Donald Faison (Scrubs, Clueless), decide the best course of action is to try to escape the building and eventually the city. Of course that doesn’t go as well as planned.

First, let me just say what I did like about this film. On a Blu-ray surround sound set-up, this film really uses all the bells and whistles. The sound is loud and booming all around you and the images are sharp, clear, and in some frames pretty

The casting choices of Faison and Balfour are troubling to me. Neither seems to have the acting chops or action chops to effectively make anyone buy into their hero status. The controllers of this vehicle would have been better off casting nobodies for their roles. As for the secondary players, their acting is so bad that this almost seemed like novice night at a third rate drama class.

The script contains zero character development and calls for a bunch of scenes of people running for their lives. That’s it. Don’t expect anything other than people running and hiding with no discernable goal or motive; other than to stay alive.

The dialogue and character direction is beyond ridiculous. For the film’s first ten minutes, Faison plays some prima-donna entertainer, but when the proverbial poopy hits the propeller, Faison grabs a handgun and proclaims, “We should check it out.” What?!?! That’s the equivalent of hanging out with Tom Cruise, and when a nuclear attack happens right outside the window, Mr. Cruise grabs an Ak-47 out of the closet and says something like, “I’ve got work to do.” No. That’s just not going to happen. Tom would be crying in a closet flipping through the advanced sections of Dianetics, which pertain to the ways one handles public defecation. Just really, really, bad writing here.

There’s a lot of terribleness going on in this movie and I’m not going to list all of it. I’m already starting to feel like a cynical bully. I will, though, comment on the special effects because, really, that’s the only reason anyone is going to see this film (unless you’re a huge fan of Scrubs and/or the sensation of head numbness).

This film is the perfect example of a high priced Photoshop project. I say that because the aliens in this film rarely interact with the live-action elements. Basically, what we have here is a lot of scenes of people screaming in fright at stuff floating outside a window. Only a few times do the aliens actually do anything other then suck up people (which from our protagonists’’ viewpoints look like small specks of dirt) and when the aliens actually do initiate contact, it looks really bad.

Okay, that’s it. I’m done. The Blu-ray comes with some deleted and extended (God, no!) scenes, some pre-visualization stuff for the filmmakers out there, and a nifty feature where you can control the content through your phone device. Now that I walked over the hot coals so you don’t have to I think I’ll wrap myself in a 16mm print of The Bicycle Thief so my soul can remember that good cinema still exists.