I Am Number Four, the sci-fi action film directed by D.J. Caruso is essentially the fusion of Smallville and Twilight, without any of the personality. The story is simple; a rugged and conflicted supernatural hero fights otherworldly creatures while lusting after the local hottie, somewhere deep in middle America.

The film is the tale of “John Smith” (Alex Pettyfer), a displaced alien (an extremely human looking one) from plant Lorian. On Earth, he is accompanied by his strict, fatherly guardian, Henri (Timothy Olyphant) – John is number four of nine gifted children that are being exterminated in numerical order by the evil Magadorians. The film opens with “Number Three’s” execution, so that leaves John as next up on the hit list.

After an accidental display of his supernatural powers on a public beach, John and Henri are forced to flee Florida and start a new life in the quaint town of Paradise, Ohio. You guessed it! Paradise, in fact, does not live up to its name. After Henri tells him to “keep a low profile”, on his first day of school, John makes quite a splash after publically rejecting the football quarterback, immediately making him a social pariah around campus. He finds solace in the town geek Sam (Callan McAuliffe), a lonely and unconfident teenage boy and subsequently manages to attract the eye of the introverted, artistic pretty girl, Sarah. (Glee’s Dianna Agron)

By now, John is coping with the emergence of his superpowers, notably his dazzling flashlight hands and superman strength, which he has not yet learned to control. As John deals with the pain of being gorgeous, having magical powers, and getting attention from the town’s blonde beauty, he must also battle the Magadorians, which have tracked him down in his new Midwestern home.

The Magadorians themselves are an interesting bunch. They wear long, black trench coats and sport an unfortunate set of shark looking teeth paired with amphibious gills on the sides of their noses. The tattoos on their lopsided heads look like they were sharpied on after they passed out drunk at a college party. There was an opportunity to elaborate on this alien race, and the directors failed to do so. We know nothing of the Magadorians, except for that they enjoy killing Lorians and taunting chubby people.

The film has so many problems, I’m unsure where to begin. Primarily, the issue is there is nothing here I haven’t seen before. The clichéd and tedious high school dynamic, sexy twenty-somethings playing the roles of 15-year-olds, and relentless teenage angst that is impossible to sympathize with. The film strives to show the internal struggle of John, that despite his stature and charisma, he is dissatisfied with himself, and dreams of being a normal teenager. The same method is used on Sarah, who has experienced her own personal endeavors. Notably, she was discharged

from the cheerleading squad after her ex boyfriend spread nasty rumors about her. What could be more terrible than that?

The acting itself is very lazy – Pettyfer mopes through the entire movie, and Olyphant looks even more apathetic. With a such a decent track record, I was surprised to see Olyphant in this movie at all – although, it couldn’t have been more obvious that he was patiently waiting for the gigantic paycheck at the end of it. “Number Six” (Teresa Palmer) is interjected into the film, as yet another dose of sex appeal and athleticism, but her attempt to be the badass-crime-fighting chick just seems forced.

The entire movie is without a single laugh, and that’s not just me being cynical – the directors don’t even attempt it. The special effects were incredibly spotty and inconsistent. However, the last 25 percent of the film is filled with visual stimulation, and most of it is pretty eye catching. Also, there is a good excerpt in the bonus features that shows how the special effects are done, as well as some interviews from Pettyfer and Palmer, which was fun to watch. Some of the fight scenes were entertaining, but of course were incredibly predictable. You knew that nobody could be harmed, because the entire movie is basically setting itself up for a sequel.

If you choose to watch this on Bluray there are additional special features including some more deleted scenes and featurettes but nothing overly “special.”

Pettyfer’s chiseled features weren’t enough to make the 110 minutes of I Am Number Four bearable. Unless your idea of a good time is watching Abercrombie & Fitch models talk about their foolish problems and battle boozy mutants, I wouldn’t recommend it.